The Baroness Speaks of Love

Hello Darlings!

I’m back and refreshed and looking better than ever! (Photographic proof next week, promise).

While I was off doing unmentionable things with illustrious individuals, I was so pleased to get so many letters from you. What I’m most surprised about is the content. While several of you asked about sex, drugs and retirement plans, more, many more, of you had questions about love.

Ahhh, love. I’ll get to your letters over the coming weeks, but here’s the one I chose to start with:

Dear Baroness,

I am devastated. And embarrassed. And just sad. I have this situation. I have a mad crush on a guy and I finally told him. Of course I knew in my heart of hearts that he's not crushing back on me, but I couldn't help myself. And now I feel rotten. And pathetic. Is there anything I can do to feel less awful? He isn't repulsed by me, he just doesn't have the same level of feelings. Oh, and I cried. I'm such a cliché.

They say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else, but I know that’s not what I really what I want or need. It would only be a distraction and I’d probably feel even worse after. But I have to admit, the distraction is tempting. Time seems to be standing still. Maybe I'll go join the Convent.

Please advise.

Signed,

Lovelorn Lorna

Darling Lorna,

Oh darling . . . I feel for you. Really I do. Few things are more painful than Unrequited Love. Yes. capitalized. It’s that significant. One of the more painful experiences of life, surely. But also one of the most human. Not until you have been spurned, rejected, denied; no matter how kindly, generously, and with the softest of kid gloves, will you understand what it’s like for those whose advances you have rebuffed.

And we've all been there. And if you haven't yet, darlings, hold tight, it will happen. It's inevitable.

You're not pathetic. Did you think the person you once did not love back was a pathetic? No. Not at all. Can you imagine if everyone you loved or liked liked or loved you back? That would actually be awful. Think about it.

Whether you're the Unrequited or the Unrequitee, it's never easy. Unintentionally hurting someone is no fun.

But you’re also brave. You said your peace. You expressed yourself. You made a real, human connection with someone else and that, they tell me, is what life is all about. Bravo.

And here’s another thing. Not all unrequited love is really love. I think there needs to be a space for unrequited “I like you a lot”, you know what I mean?

Sometimes one person is a chicken or emotionally stunted or in denial. Sometimes they are scared that they will loose you as a friend and don’t want to fuck up a good thing. That’s perfectly understandable and the grown up, mature part of your brain will comprehend this and even honor and appreciate it, but in your heart - in your gut - where your ego lives, it hurts - because we all want to be wanted. Desire to be desired. Adore being adored. And when someone says they adore you but don’t feel as strongly about you as you do them ... well, that does suck.

So. My advice. Time. Time is the only true healer of these things. You might want to have some space. It may be easier to heal on your own. Out of sight and out of mind and all.

Or maybe you want to take what you can get. Maybe you can separate your feelings from the friendship you have. Maybe you want to propose a 'friends with benefits' type relationship, if you can handle it. But this depends on how rejective the rejection was. Is it 'Unrequited love but I’m still hot for you'? Is it 'I adore everything about you but am just not attracted to you'? These are important distinctions.

Boundaries and expectation management are things to think about. We may want someone to read our minds and to just know what we want and what we think and that that is what love is. But believe me, sugar, love takes work and in order to get what you want - what you need - you must ask.

You could say something like this, “Dude. I don’t want to be your girlfriend. I want to be your friend. But I’m also hot for you and would like to get naked. Or maybe just sleep in the same bed sometimes. Or hold hands."

You may risk being rejected yet again. It’s a very real possibility, but asking for what you want and being honest and open is what you do now. It's who you are. And that's awesome. When you have been honest with yourself and your needs, even if they are not met with an, "Hell yeah, come over here, woman!" It’s brave and honorable and ultimately kind to yourself to do this.

We should all be so brave. Truly. I know I’m not. Well done. I'm proud of you. Sending a bear hug, lots of empathy, an atta girl, and total respect to you. Word.

As ever,

xx
The Baroness