Dear Baroness, What is it with 'ghosting?' Do men do it too?

Dear Baroness, 

I’m a decent chap. I’m honest, funny, smart. Have been told I’m easy on the eyes by some. I’ve been on and off Tinder now for about a year and though I’ve had a few good experiences, over all it’s been terribly disappointing. I can’t figure out if it’s the caliber of the women or the casual nature the thing. Perhaps I should be one of those men who writes “No ONS” or “not looking for hookups” on my profile, but I prefer to be more mysterious. 

One of the things I’m most concerned about is this whole ‘ghosting’ thing. Who does that? What is it in a person that allows them to think this is okay? Do men do this too? I’m angry and sad and losing faith in dating.

Please help, Baroness.

Signed,  

Looking for Love in all the Wrong Places

Darling Looking,

Your name says it all. I think you might be on to something there . . . if you’re indeed looking for love, I would say that Tinder is not the place I would start, darling. But it seems you’re there and want some answers. 

You do know they say nice guys finish last for a reason, right? It’s so much better to be distant, to make her chase you, to be unavailable, to play games, to not communicate . . . surely you got the memo?!

I am telling you, darlings, this really gets in my craw. Can we pleasepleaseplease agree to realize that we are dealing with PEOPLE?! Even though we are on the internet, a place where one can leave all the anonymous trolling, creepy and down right (passive) aggressive messages to anyone anywhere about any asinine thing they want, we need to all step back and remember there are real, live, breathing, feeling people behind the photos and the profiles and no matter how cool and non-needy they seem, they are just as fragile, human and susceptible to pain as you are. And you are, darlings. Especially you tough guys.  

You might think that just because Tinder is an app many equate with one night stands and cheating that different rules apply, but guess what? They don’t. Even people who want to cheat and/or fuck around are not robots. Well, most are not. And the non-robots deserve common decency too. Just because you are non-monogamous and/or a lover of sex and danger does not mean you don’t deserve respect. We all deserve that. And frankly, I respect people who are honest and ask for what they want far more than those who feign good intentions only to be outed as PUAs and MRAs. Cowards, I say.  

If you want to be an asshat and plan to fuck around with people’s minds and emotions, please do us all the favor and be upfront. Honesty is a great thing. And here comes expectation management again . . . if someone writes that they are in town for the night and want to host a Jell-o wrestling match in their room at the airport hotel with a bunch of ‘super hot, under 25 blondes’ and you fit the description and are game, have at it, just don’t expect happily ever . . .

Here’s what I’d like to see more of:

L, 46,
I don’t know what the fuck I want. Maybe you have it. Probably not. I don’t want to admit I’m human and have emotions and will treat you fairly poorly, but if you listen to my stories and tell me how great I am, I’ll bring you home to meet mom and dad this weekend.

R, 33, 
I’ll wine and dine you, go down on you (and be quite skilled) and laugh at your jokes, and really seem to be enjoying you. I’ll confess I’m polyamorous and even if you don’t run away screaming, I’ll still pull away immediately after the weekend. A few texts and then nothing. That’s how I roll. Oh, and I have cool glasses.

M, 37,
I’m a good kisser, very artistic and clever. I’m smart, elusive and totally non-committal but I love to spoon and snuggle and when you sleep over, it will feel like we’re a couple. I’ll probably make you feel like I want more but I don’t. I have an accent that the ladies love.

And, not to leave the ladies out, 

W, 27,
I want it all and have it all, but I will not tell you how to get it. You must guess. You will fail. I try to play cool but I get overly emotional after a bottle of wine and may scare you away. But that’s okay because I have another date tonight.

V, 40
I just want to fuck. I’m kind of kinky. But unexperienced. Please have a good job and your own car. I love cats. 

And yes, let’s talk about ghosting. There are a few types. There are the people who unmatch you as soon as you’ve been matched, which could be the result of a twitchy finger and a mistaken right swipe or it could be that they are the type who just like to see how many likes they can get but haven’t the cajones to actually connect to another human.

There are the people who unmatch after a short conversation which proves uninspiring or offensive:

Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: How are you?
Her: Fine. How are you?
Him: Also fine. It’s nice out today. What do you do? Where do you live? Are you from here?
Her: UNMATCH

Or 

Her: Hey, I like your car. 
Him: Thanks, it’s a rental.
Her: Oh. . .  Your profile doesn’t say how tall you are. Are you short?
Him: UNMATCH

Then, there is the most painful unmatch – the umatch after you’ve moved to whatsapp and/or have met in person. 

People seem to have several excuses for this: They don’t want the person they have just met to think they are still on Tinder, trolling for more ass, so they unmatch. Some might say it’s too painful to see you still on there if they really like you. 

This was much harder back when they had the ‘last seen’ feature. That could hurt if you really liked someone and they said they were into you but you saw they were active every day. And if you said you were into them, they were probably checking to see if you were still on and imagine the vicious cycle this would create - I’m only checking to see if you’re on and when I’m on it looks like I’m active and you see I’m active and you get sad/mad and maybe really are active, and so on. You can see how this would be challenging. I had a friend who got caught up in this. He was not a natural stalker-type but he said this feature made him nearly go mad. So it’s good it’s gone.

It’s also a little sad because you lose access to their photos when they (or you) unmatch. A friend decided to take a screen shot of all her matches so no matter what happened, she’d have their photos. May seem weird or even creepy, but believe me, it makes for good objectifying fun when out drinking with the girls. 

Darling, let me say this. Whether on Tinder or in the real world, you will find louses. You will find people who have no regard for others. Best to avoid them, but often times it’s too late and your heart and/or ego get bruised. Which is no good.

Play nice. Be kind. Karma is a bitch and she will find your ass. I promise you that.

You sound like a decent chap. How tall are you? What do you do for a living? What do you drive? Write and let me know and maybe we’ll meet up. For coffee. And a chat. What kind of girl do you think I am?

Good luck in your quest. I’d delete Tinder and start hanging out at bookstores. Just an idea.

As Ever,

xx
The Baroness