Dear Baroness, I want a threesome for my birthday but am afraid to ask . . .

Dear Baroness, 

My birthday is coming up and my boyfriend keeps asking me what I’d like. I’m too shy to tell him that what I really want is a threesome. With him and another guy. How do I bring this up? He’s joked about a threesome with another girl before but I think he was just joking. I really think it would be fun and maybe even good for us. But I don’t know how to approach him about it. I need your advice. 

Signed, 

Just a Girl Who’s in the Mood for Two Dudes

Darling Just a Girl,

Happy Birthday, Darling! Sounds like, if you can figure out how to get what you want, it will be a good one. (You’ll have to write and share all the sordid details.)

This is potentially complicated on so many levels. Asking for something you want on your birthday can be difficult no matter how benign or risqué it is - most of us don’t feel comfortable just blurting out, “A sexy way to stay connected when we’re apart”, or “Help around the house!”, or “You wearing something more daring at the beach!”, or “A coffee table book!”, or even, “I’m so thirsty!”. I’m still waiting for someone to write a song about me for my birthday . . . 

Asking for sex with someone outside the relationship for the first time (even with your partner involved) will likely be uncomfortable at best and disastrous and relationship-ruining at worst. But being able to communicate is an important thing. Especially in intimate relationships (or so they tell me). 

I’d venture to say that a good many men in hetero relationships would like to have a threesome. With two women. This is something I’ve heard more times than I’ve dreamt that Viggo Mortensen is my sex slave - and that’s a lot. I still greet the idea with my branded eye roll every time. Soooooo predictable, boys. You can do better. Really.

Now, imagine if your guy suggested a threesome for you on your birthday. With him and another dude. Now that’s love. Especially if he is not naturally bi or curious. (Hurrah for you perfect and amazing men.) An open-minded and generous soul is a keeper. So much sexier to be unpredictable and all about your partner on her birthday. Hint. Hint.

Now, if you want to be with another woman, that’s cool too. Of course. And it’s not only men who like this. But I do think there are many women who indulge their men this fantasy and who get little or nothing out of it. But again, is it wholly wrong to do something for your partner even if you’re not in love with the idea? If you don’t want to engage, that’s cool too, but if you don’t care either way, and it’s their life-long fantasy, why the hell not? (As long as you’ve discussed and agreed to the rules ahead of time, of course. And are fully aware that stronger unions than yours have been torn asunder by lesser indulgences.)

Here is another question: Do you invite someone you know into your bed or a stranger? There are perks and drawbacks to both. Looking a friend in the eye over coffee the next morning after such an event could be terribly awkward, though being with someone you know and trust is technically a good thing. But strangers sound sexier and, of course, more anonymous. Somehow the thought of never having to see this third person again seems more dangerous (Duh, Baroness. It is.) and thus more appealing. Right? No? Yes? You tell me.

Do you already know who you want to propose as the trifecta in your triangle?  If you want to suggest to your bf that you want to also sleep with his super hottie best friend, this might not go over so well. Or it might . . . Again, it’s all relative and you can’t know until you’ve asked, but be warned it all can be quite murky and go south quite quickly. 

I don’t envy you, actually. I’m getting tired even thinking about all this and may need a nap soon. 

You could have a bottle (or three) of wine and play Truth or Dare, insisting on Truth when it’s your turn, and have it come out somewhat organically, or you could be quite serious and broach the subject postcoitally (be sure the session was better than good). Or you could pretend you were in 7th grade and write him a note: 

Dear _____ ,
I like you. Do you like me? Check yes or no. 
If yes, want to have a threesome with me and _________?Check yes or no. 
See you by the monkey bars after school. 
Heart, heart. Rainbow. Kittens.

I vote for the note. It’s cute. And good for cowards. Not saying you’re a coward. But if you’re scared, it might be a good ice breaker. And perhaps the best idea is to combine all three. Drink lots of wine, have sweaty, loud, all-afternoon sex, then put this note on the bathroom mirror. Then leave the house and see if he ever calls you again. Just kidding. Just wait in bed, naked, looking all cute and glowy. He’ll be hard pressed to say no, I’m sure of it.

Best Wishes for the best birthday!

As Ever,

xxx
The Baroness