Dear Baroness, I need to rant about cocks.

Dear Baroness,

I know this is normally your territory, but I feel like ranting. Hope you don’t mind. I want to rant about cocks. Especially big cocks. Just when did it become so important to have huge cock? (Or a porn cock, as my friends back home like to call it. PC for short. We used to call this guy from high school PC and I don’t think he ever found out why. Not that he’d mind, probably. And it’s not like we all slept with him. You could just see it in his trousers. It was unavoidable. Tall guy. Khakis. Skinny.)

Why is it that men think this is so important? It’s not! It’s not! Ouch! I mean really. There’s big and then there’s big. I feel sorry for the guys with porn cocks. They’re probably not even getting as much action as the more average-sized dudes.  It’s not like they can do anything about it, but I just want to say that men with average-sized cocks should not be sad. They should think of all the women they can comfortably please without injuring them!

I don’t really have a question, Baroness. Sorry. What are your thoughts about all this? 

Signed, 

A Lover of Mediocrity

Darling Mediocrity Lover, 

I’m so glad you wrote. We were just having this conversation the other night, me and the girls. Over a few (12) glasses of wine. While not everyone shares your opinion, (see most gay males), many do. 

It’s all about chemistry, isn’t it? No that’s not right. It’s not chemistry. It’s biology. Right yes. Science is not my strong suit, darlings. Surprise, surprise. 

Surprises can be fabulous. Of course, they can also lead to disappointment, but as I said in my last column, expectation management is not such a bad thing, and in this case, let’s say erasing all expectations is a great place to start. 

There are men with smaller than average cocks who are far better in the sack than the men with larger than average ones. This could be because they have developed other valuable skills and/or they are highly evolved and intelligent and realize that it’s not the size of the boat, it’s the motion of the ocean. (Apologies. You saw that coming, didn’t you? I couldn’t resist.)

Many men with these porn cocks, as you so aptly call them, have had the luxury of sitting on their laurels and expecting that their sheer mass will deliver amazing results without much effort. How boring.  

And, as I think you were getting at, dear writer, the large ones can indeed hurt. Our insides are not an infinite chasm of warm, snuggly goodness, waiting to accommodate every size and shape. There is an end to the vagina. It’s called the cervix and when it’s poked, it is not a pleasant feeling. 

You men might feel as though you’ve conquered something; that you've reached the peak of the pussy once you’ve bottomed out, but please darlings, this is nothing to be proud of. Again, it’s merely science. One does not have to be smuggling a Coke can in one’s trousers to be able to have had this affect. Combine a short and tilted uterus and the right position with an average-sized penis and you can just as easily make this woman wince in pain, be shocked out of the magic moment and push you off like the dead bear atop Leo in The Revenant. 

Every cock is unique, as is every pussy, and, just like people, not all fit together. Big feet only mean big shoes and big hands may not be a size indicator either, though big, strong hands have their own desirable uses, one could argue. 

Another consideration is the almighty G spot. Many times, the massive missiles pass right by without even so much as a wink. They fill you up and undoubtedly can feel great, but the chances of having a vaginal orgasm are far less than with a more average dick. 

I don’t want to make you Ron Jeremys feel like we don’t love you and your appendages. We still love you. You look good naked in the shower, feel fabulous in hand and you especially look good while semi or fully erect in trousers. (Mind you, this is not only the territory of the well-hung, I invite you all to give it a try.) 

I miss the high-waisted, tight jeans men wore back in the 80s. At the time I found it somewhat repulsive, but a few years back, while watching VH-1 Classics on a trans-Atlantic flight, there was Steve Perry, singing Don’t Stop Believin’, leaving nothing to the imagination, and I was smitten. Not by the song or the performance but by the jeans. I know. . . Perhaps this is information that should have forever remained locked away in the Baroness’ diary, but I feel it’s important to share my stories with you. It’s how we bond.

Just as women with large breasts are supposed to be more feminine and sexy, men with big dicks are supposed to be more masculine and virile. It’s a bunch of hooey. 

We’ve all got what we’re given (well, most of us) and we do the best we can, don’t we? Life is hard enough without having to worry about all this nonsense. Your time would be better spent learning to be a good kisser. That skill is more directly linked to your horizontal prowess than the size of your cock. Ask any woman. 

Now all of you average Joes go out and dance a jig. I proclaim today Average Cock Appreciation Day. Go stand in front of the mirror, drop your drawers and give yourself some love. The Baroness gives you permission.

As Ever,

xx
The Baroness