Dear Baroness, I need to know how to Sext!

Dear Baroness,

My girlfriend wants me to send her sexy notes while she’s at work. I want to do this for her, but I know I’ll be terrible at sexting. Can you give me some basic rules and advice? 

Signed, 

All Thumbs 

Darling All Thumbs,

I think it’s so lovely that you want to do something nice for your girlfriend. I’m also proud of her for telling you what she wants. Though this can be quite a challenging thing for many couples, it’s imperative and can and will improve your sex (and non-sex) life together exponentially. It’s true.

How long have you been dating? I’m assuming you’ve had sex if you’re calling her your girlfriend, but I suppose, I shouldn’t assume anything. 

If you’ve been intimate, chances are you know a few things she likes. This is to your benefit. Not only can you bring this into the conversation, you can build from there and then take it up a few notches.

Start slowly. You need some sexting foreplay. Some teasing. Please do not lead with a dick pic. (This is especially true if you have never met the woman.) There are few things most women like less than an unsolicited, poorly shot photo of an erect or semi-erect or flaccid (Why?!) dick. This does not mean no photos. You are more than your cock, after all. 

If you have never taken photos of your manroot*, (and I think you must be the only man on earth who has not - how adorable) please do not take one that has a toilet in the photo or a little outfit on your Johnson. So not hot. The suggestion of something sexy is often sexier than giving it all away - am I right? Yes. I am right.

Lighting is also important. You might want to spend some time on this site first. (Warning: NSFW). You might learn a few things. I like to visit weekly to see what’s going on in the world of cock shots. Sadly, it makes me laugh more than smile, but it’s entertaining, educational and sometimes it makes me want to call a certain someone and invite him over . . .  wink, wink.

If you are taking photos of your Mini Me, be sure to erase or put them somewhere safe where you can access them again later, unless you fancy coming across your likely amateur attempts at sexy time photos when you’re trying to show your mates pictures of your weekend on the slopes in Klosters. Ooops. You will not live that down. Ever. I still blush recalling a similar accident with a near stranger at a dinner party. Dear god, let me never see him again.

If your girlfriend is asking you to sext her, chances are she is not looking for a romantic story about what you’re going to make her for dinner and how you want to snuggle. While these things can be awesome, and kudos to you if you’re a man who does these things, they are not sexting. Those things would be filed under the category of texting, which does not have the word sex in it. 

While some women shudder think of a man trying to be funny while sexting, there are those who like it. Different strokes for different folks. Some would be horrified with an opening line like, “Wanna see my cock?” and others would respond with “YESYESYES!”

Tell her what you want to do to her. Set the scene. Don’t just talk about penetration. Mention smells and sounds and sights. Mix it up. She does not want predictable, trust me. As in, “I want to climb on top of you and stick my hard cock into your wet pussy.” The end. Yawn.  

And stick with what you want to do to her, not her to you. At least to start. She’s the one asking for it and so, chances are, she wants you to tell her you about how you want to eat every inch of her hot bod, and not hear about your desire for yet another blow job.

And don’t be put off if it's not a two way conversation. She is at work after all, and perhaps she’s the loo reading with only one hand and if she tries to respond, she may drop the phone in the toilet and that would really spoil the mood, right? 

No emojis. And no LOLs. Also, please try to think of sexy terms for body parts, not anatomically correct ones. No one wants to hear about your penis or her vagina. Yuk.

And try not to sound like a cheesy romance novel. 

 Words and phrases to avoid like the plague**

honeypot
your essence
the heart of your femininity
love button
intimate folds (Ewww)
rosebud
pool of moisture
love canal
appendage 
stalk
phallus
manroot*
nub (NEVER EVER EVER utter this. The visual is not a good one.) 

**Again. It’s all a matter of taste. Some people might like hearing these. But most do not. (As in 99.9%)

Perhaps I should give lessons. I’ll charge100 bucks an hour to coach you on your sexting, Darlings. Hmmm . . . not a bad idea, Baroness, you’re always thinking. 

I’ll keep you posted.

Best of luck with your first attempt, Darling. You’ll be swell. I just know it.

 
As Ever,

 
xx
The Baroness