Dear Baroness, How do I break up with this girl without her crying?

Dear Baroness, 

I have been dating this girl for about a year and am just not feeling it any more. I like her but I don’t love her. And she likes me more than I like her. I’m just tired of it. I want to remain friends but maybe that’s not possible. Any advice on how to handle this? I don’t want her to cry. 

Signed, 

 
The Heartbreaker

Darling Heartbreaker,

Have you been dating a girl or a woman? Chances are (hopefully), she was and is over 18 and therefore very much a woman.

Women deserve to be treated with respect. As do men. In this potentially precarious situation, remember what it’s like to be the dumpee and not the dumper, that should help put things into perspective. 

No matter how hot and amazing and perfect you are, there is a 99.9% chance that you have been dumped and know what it feels like. I have a friend who used to say, “Show me the hottest blonde in the world and I’ll show you a dude who’s tired of fucking her.” Eloquent, I know, but you get the gist. Be kind. Be kind. Be kind.

Did you even consider that perhaps she is also ready to break it off, but doesn’t want you to cry? Let’s be real here, darling. The chances of a person - a human with emotions - crying when they are sad and upset are pretty high. And not only women cry. I’ve heard, in certain places in the world, that the males of the species cry as well. And that they actually feel better after and may even have more true bonds with those with whom they’ve been so vulnerable and real. How cute is that?

There is not some magical blanket breakup speech one can deliver so that all parties involved remain friends and skip joyfully into the sunset. Someone will get hurt. And if you are not a complete asshat, you will likely feel a little pain as well. 

As for remaining friends. This is complex. There are several schools of thought on this.  I think they can, but if there is any inkling of a crush, sexual tension, lust or even love (duh) then they cannot and should not, and instead they should just get their freak on and see where that takes them.

Time is the only thing that can really enable you to be friends. Someone will always still love the other, someone will be hot for the other, someone will be jealous of the other moving on (dating/sleeping with others) for a long time. I’m always a bit suspicious of those who are able to be friends right away. If they really are able to be just friends after being in love, or at least after dating for some time, doesn’t that mean that the person is somehow able to turn their emotions on and off at will? And though I’m totally jealous of this trait, it’s not exactly healthy, now is it?

There are a few things which I would say are universally uncool and therefore not allowed:

1. Breaking by up text. NO. NO. NO. There is no situation in which this is remotely acceptable.
2. Taking the person on the best (most adventurous, most expensive, etc . . .) date you’ve had in months or years and at the end saying, “We need to talk . . . .” Just no. 
3. Starting a fight so that the other person will break up with you. This is just cowardly and totally lame.
4. Having little fights then breaking up then crawling back, or bootie calling, or texting lame emojis and getting back together, having a few days or weeks of good sex and then breaking up over something stupid again. This yo-yo bullshit is not cool to do to one another (or your friends, by the way). Are you in or are you out? Grow up.
5. Not breaking up in person. Or not having an adult, face to face conversation. Which is admittedly hard. So very hard. So hard that I know people who are not capable of this. 

I once broke up with a man in a lousy and unfair and totally not grown up way. He was pretty much the dream boyfriend (for most women - but I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop and reality to set in) and never did anything that was not ‘perfect’ (huge bouquets of flowers, staying in penthouses of swanky hotels, limo rides to far away cities for dinner, road trips in his sexy car, watching him paint while listening to our favorite music, amazing sex, and the list goes on . . .)

So, one day, I just couldn’t take it any longer. He was in the shower and I just left. I did write him a note. I almost didn’t, but that would be rude.  It was brief: I can’t do this anymore. Sorry. 

And that was that. People: THIS IS NOT A GROWN UP WAY TO BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE. DO NOT DO THIS. I AM A TERRIBLE PERSON. Do as I say, not as I do.

Remember that you were with this person for a reason. Start from there. And BE KIND. Also, remember that the world is small and payback is a bitch. 

Good luck darling! Remember not to cry!

 
As Ever,

xx
The Baroness