Dear Baroness, Do I drink too much? . . . And where have you been?!!
I have a very serious question for you: Do you think I should stop drinking? I mean not altogether or anything but maybe for a while? Or maybe just drink less? I mean I know you don’t know me, but I just think it might be time. I was reflecting upon this past year and how shitty it’s been, and other than the obvious reasons (Donald Trump and pals, the death of Bowie, Prince, Leonard Cohen and George Michael . . .), I have to say that a lot of my most memorable times had a lot to do with alcohol. And that’s not cool, is it? And by memorable, I’m saying ending with sex. I mean, if I wouldn’t sleep with someone sober, why would I sleep with them when I’m drunk? Right? I mean that’s not always the case but sometimes it is, I must admit. And that’s not who I want to be. I actually would like a boyfriend and would like to stop just hooking up with hot guys. Where is that getting me?
So. I guess my question is, at what point in life should one stop getting drunk on dates and dragging them home with you?
And, where the heck have you been? Are you okay? I’ve missed you.
I hate calling you that. You’re not a slut, you’re a woman who likes sex. And who sometimes likes to use alcohol to lower her inhibitions, I’d imagine. We’ve all done that, darling, so please don’t beat yourself up.
Also, unless you’re reclaiming the word and using it to refer to yourself as a sexually liberated woman, you’re propagating the negative stereotype of the word, which is not terribly helpful. Wouldn’t it be nice if we stopped using it altogether? If we said, she’s a gal who enjoys sex, or she’s dressed in quite a sexy way, instead of calling her a slut or saying she’s dressed slutty. That seems like good sense to me. Let’s work on that, shall we?
After all, we don’t call men sluts, now do we? Now there’s something we could talk about for hours on end. But you didn’t write asking for advice about the moral double-standard and so I’ll shelve it for now.
As far as your drinking goes, of course that’s only for you to decide. Does it interfere with your judgment? Sounds like it might at times. Maybe you enjoy it. Perhaps you need it to relax? Maybe you have hang ups about sex and intimacy and drinking lessens them? Many of us could certainly relate to this one. It’s scary to be intimate with another person. Especially before you know them well. And when you’re dragging them home on the first date, how can you possibly know them?
And then, I imagine, it becomes a bit of a vicious cycle. Get drunk. Take a stranger home. Wake up (in the middle of the night or the morning), look at the stranger in your bed (or you in theirs) realize you don’t know them. (Sometimes not ever their name. Mom would be so proud!) Decide one of two things:
1.You want to get to know them and have a good feeling about the night before, which then leaves you with having to back track and try to navigate something with someone who now might only see you as a sexual conquest rather than someone they’d like to date. Or perhaps they like you too and you both have no hang ups about first date hook ups and you can move forward from there, which is terribly grown up in its own way but carries with it its own challenges.
2. You need to get out of there fast (preferable without waking them à la Coyote Ugly) and go home and take a shower and erase/block their number. Of course this is problematic if you’ve brought them home to your place and need to wait until they wake up and then if they are lingerers, you’re screwed. What if they want coffee? Or expect breakfast? This particular person likely enjoyed the night and might even like you. But you don’t like them and are regretting the evening, so good luck with this scenario … Oy.
You get the picture . . . I could have gone on. That was fun.
Let me say that it’s a powerful thing to recognize and consider one’s behavior and then even more powerful (and difficult) to change this behavior, but I know you can do it.
It’s a new year – and while I’m a little tardy to the game – Happy New Year! Maybe this is the year to try something I like to call . . . SOBER SEX! Yes! It can be done and it can be fun! (So I’ve heard.)
There is also something called … GETTING TO KNOW SOMEONE BEFORE GETTING NAKED WITH THEM! I’ve also heard this is advisable, even enjoyable! Someone please try it and get back to me!
In all seriousness, my darling, if you want a boyfriend, get off Tinder (I hate to make assumptions, but you’re on Tinder aren’t you?) and get out in the real world. Or use a more reputable dating service for people who are actually looking for a relationship. Those have existed long before the likes of Tinder. (Fiddler on the Roof, anyone?)
If you want to drink. Drink. Go out with your friends, get hammered and dance on the bar. Just try to limit your imbibing when you’re on a date. Seems pretty simple and straight forward.
And before I leave you, thank you for your concern over my absence. I was on a trip. A long, strange trip. And now I’m back, better than ever. Sadly, my tan is faded and my young lovers are now only a memory but I’m here for you, darlings. Now more than ever.
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