I’m very interested in pleasing the woman I’m with and want to get better at it. I’ve been told I’m a good lover, but I’m a little timid and unsure of myself when it comes to foreplay.
I know it’s really important and don’t worry, I don’t just jump into doing the deed, but I don’t think making out and groping really counts, does it?
Any hints on how to improve my game?
Not Yet the World’s Greatest Lover
A man who is concerned about foreplay! Bravo! A man who wants to know what else he might do to please a woman! Amazing! A man who admits he has things yet to learn and is asking for help! I may just faint!
The mere fact that you’re curious and want to improve your skills is incredibly sexy. Confidence is also sexy, but over-confidence and cockiness is not. So many men think they know what they’re doing because they watch a lot of porn and as I’ve gotten on my soapbox to say many times before, porn does not a good lover make.
I’d take an eager and curious and less confident or experienced man over a cocky, selfish constant porn watcher any day. Am I right, ladies?
Just like sex itself, foreplay can be many things to many people. And, just like in life and relationships, many of us just want our partners to know what we want without our having to say it. This is silly and we all need to grow up, stop thinking we’re in a Disney movie and start asking for what we want.
Sometimes we don’t know exactly what it is we want. It’s okay not to know. Sometimes we’re too shy to say. Showing is just as effective as verbally asking. Maybe even more so.
Part of the excitement of being with a new lover is finding out what makes them squirm. And moan. And beg for more. A balance of knowing what you like, asking for it and then being willing to explore together is the perfect cocktail for an evening (or many . . . ) of satisfaction.
One of the most underrated aspects of foreplay are words. And not just whispering dirty thoughts into her ear, though that is certainly a winner. I once had a man lie next to me, clothed, and whisper exactly what he wanted to do to me - in detail. No touching other than feeling his body next to mine. Only the feeling of his breath and the sound of his voice in my ear. It was one of the hottest experiences ever. And the fact that he got up to go to work and left me hanging and desperately waiting for him to come back made the anticipation almost unbearable.
One does not need to go straight for the prize in order to get a woman warmed up. In fact, often times, this backfires. Not only might her body clench and seize up, emotionally, she may be annoyed and disappointed that you are being such a male stereotype and then her brain will not send the sexy-time signals down south, if you know what I mean. A friend used to tell men, “Try going down a water slide with no water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.” Yes. Ouch.
If your woman is acting turned on but she’s not wet, don’t be alarmed or take it personally. Sometimes a person can be totally turned on in their mind but their body does not respond. Just like when your little dude is not obeying, this happens to women too. Sometimes it’s as simple as the fact that you’ve indulged in a 12-hour drinking marathon, you have a medical condition, you might not be as young as you used to be, or maybe you’re on some drugs that are affecting you. Move on and focus on something else and/or just be sure to have a little assistance (lubrication) handy.
Here are some basic jumping off points for you:
Explore her body. Do you really know all it’s curves and shapes? What about her sensitive spots? Erogenous zones? (backs of knees, arches of feet, forehead, ears, nape of the neck, fingers, stomach . . .) You could spend many, many hours exploring and teasing, massaging, stroking and licking these areas - that’s not an exaggeration. You will immediately know what areas are responding to your touch, to your breath. It’s not hard to tell. Think of it as your job. The best job ever.
Tease her. Start. Then stop. Leave her wanting more. The sensation of being touched, then not and wanting to be touched more is an incredibly strong one. Vary the pressure of your touch from hard to soft to add to the effect. The desire and heat that it can create is not to be underestimated.
Making out. Oh yes. Nothing really beats a good make out session. Interspersed with neck biting and grabbing, if this does not get her going, you might need to examine your lip-locking technique. Touch her face. This is something not enough men do. It’s sensual and sexy and tender all at the same time. Totally hot.
Eye contact alone can make a person hot. Try it. And in combination with one or several of these other suggestions, you’ll be on your way to crushing it in foreplay land.
Take a bath or shower together. It’s an oldie but a goodie.
Give her a massage (with a happy ending, of course).
I have many, many more ideas but this should be enough to start - I don’t want to overwhelm you, darling.
Just remember, think about what you like and what feels good to you. Chances are she’ll like it too. If you are paying attention, you’ll see results immediately. And then you’ll never write to me again, because you’ll be so exhausted from all the hot sex you’re having! Relax, don’t think too much and you’ll soon be the World’s Best Lover. I’ve no doubt.
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