Dear Baroness, I'm thinking of having an affair with a married man . . .
I think I’m going to have an affair with a married man. I haven’t decided but there’s a very good chance it will happen. This seems very clinical, I know. Usually these things just sort of happen, or not. But I’m in a kind of negotiation with this married man I know and adore. And I must admit, I like the idea of having some rules. It still feels dangerous and exciting to me somehow. I know this is kind of crazy. Am I an idiot? I need some advice!
Eyes Wide Open
Bravo you! I love the idea of two grown ups talking about their potential – albeit it illicit - relationship. The fact that this man is married is, of course, a concern. But far be it from me to judge. Truly.
For some reason this scenario you’ve mentioned has inspired me. Allow me to create a little fantasy if you will . . .
* * * * * * * * *
You run into one another out one night at an event. You have history. Your attraction is mutual.
After a few drinks and much flirting, he says, “So . . . I think we need an arrangement. I want to see you. But I need to know, before I say anything else, if you are interested.”
You say, “Yes.” Sheepishly. He continues. “You know my situation. I’m not leaving my wife.” You nod.He goes on. “It’s no good. It’s miserable, frankly, but that doesn’t need to concern you.” You’re still listening intently, waiting for the next step.
“Evenings are out. Not as a rule, but they are much more difficult for me than daytime. I can be flexible during the day. Lunch…. Lunch. Maybe we meet for lunch.”
He sounds like a man who has not done this before and is trying to figure it out on the spot and that gives you reassurance.
He stares at you intently. You nod. You can do lunch. Lunch is doable.
You immediately begin to think about the details – will he come to your place? His place is out, obviously. Hotels are expensive, though he certainly can afford it. But then there are receipts. Potentially damning evidence. Nice hotels don’t take cash. That could be dangerous. But not your problem. Still. It’ll likely be your place. You’re okay with that.
He tells you he can commit to once a week. That works for you, though you were thinking more like every two weeks. Details. We can work that out, you think. He says again. “I have to know I can trust you.”
Yes. You can be trusted. You don’t need to hear it again, but understand why he needs to say it again. He’s got a lot to lose. Not that you don’t. You tell him that if you wanted to, you could ruin a few lives. And they are bigger fish than he. You know that might sting, but you also know you need to get your point across and end the discussion. At least this point. He nods.
So … lunch. Yes. Lunch. Are we eating? Are we? You tell me. I don’t want to eat food. Good answer. Agreed. The only thing on the menu is you.
You blush but love it. He is now touching your hand. Playing with your fingers. Tracing their outline. You remember this is one of his things. It drives you mad. Your breathing quickens. People are all around, but he doesn’t seem to care. The spark of your two bodies touching is palpable. You go with it. You can’t not.
You really like this idea. This lunch. A non-relationship relationship. With rules. Someone to get naked with once a week. Someone who makes you laugh and you enjoy talking with. A rare combination, surely. Someone who is a grown up and won’t play games. You’re quite sure of this.
Your mind wanders. Does he like lingerie? Nail varnish? Lipstick? Heels? What colors? Is he a red man? Pink? Nude? The thought of shopping for these things to wear for him excites you. He may even buy you gifts. The thought of him showing up for one of your lunches with a box tied up with a ribbon, containing something sexy/naughty thrills you even more. But this is not a movie and you know you should not get your hopes up. Still. He is the kind of man to do such things.
You know you won’t see him on weekends or holidays. You won’t be able to call. You hate the phone anyway.
You tell him about the app CoverMe. You tell him it’s a safer place to send messages. And photos and videos. You blush as you tell him.
Photos, hmmm? He smiles. “I look forward to that.”
He mentions that the thought of fucking you sober turns him on. Though you are not completely sober now, you are also not drunk. He moves to stand behind you and presses up against you and begins to move with the music. You push back against him and he responds.
You know you’re going to do it. Have this affair. There is no question in either of your minds. But not tonight.
A few of his friends come over and interrupt your moment. Perhaps they see what’s going on and are trying to subtly dissuade him; they know you and your history and can also sense the electricity between you. It’s obvious you are in the midst of something naughty.
You run away from them and step into the fresh air. You are face to face. Surrounded by others, but completely alone together. You know he’s dying to kiss you. To go home with you. You want this too, but you like like idea of waiting more. Anticipation is one of the greatest feelings and it’s so fleeting you want to relish it and experience it a little longer.
He grabs your hand and drags you around the corner into the darkness. The light from the party, giving you both a glow. He asks, “May I kiss you?” You look into his impossibly dark eyes and whisper, “Of course.”
* * * * * * * * * * *
Oh darling Eyes!
What fun that was! Please forgive me for the indulgence. I could go on and on, (though I’m not sure I’m cut out for writing this sort of thing) but must get back to your important question and stop with my own silliness.
Here’s my advice. Look yourself in the mirror and decide if you want to be in a real, grown up relationship with an AVAILABLE man or if this is good enough. You deserve more, you know. You deserve not to be anyone’s second fiddle. We all do. But the reality is not always so clear, is it? Sometimes we don’t want a full on relationship. It seems too much. Maybe you don’t want to be with someone who wants to spend every weekend together or maybe you don’t feel like navigating something and someone new. I get it.
But please just make sure you are doing this for the right reasons and that you know the potential price you’ll pay. You may indeed fall in love and then what?
While you’re trying to decide, watch this movie. It will likely push you in a certain direction. And not the one your mother would recommend. It did me when I saw it. I’ve been searching for a sexy French man with whom to have an affair ever since I watched it, alone, on a rainy afternoon in Manhattan. Oh how I adore this film.
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