Dear Baroness, let's play a little game called: "Would you rather . . .?"

Dear Baroness,

Let's play a little game called: "Would you rather...?" (Would you rather have sex with...) Feel free to elaborate on your choices. Okay, here goes. Would you rather: Roger Federer or John McEnroe? Sepp Blatter or Donald Sterling?  Til Schweiger or George Clooney? Clive Owen or Jason Statham? Viggo Mortensen or Hugh Jackman? Cary Grant or Clark Gable? Paul Newman or Robert Redford?  Don Draper or Roger Sterling? And finally: Sporty Swiss Guy who would meet you at Josef or Hairy Chested Brit who would meet you while drinking scotch at Widder Bar? Xx Just Curious

Darling Just Curious,

What an entertaining and amusing scenario! This is going to be fun. . . I'm curious about how you came to choose the men you did. Where is Justin Bieber? Stress? Leonardo DiCaprio? And how you managed to include so many of my mad crushes! (Mom, is that you?) Admittedly, some are easier choices than others and I'll do my best to explain. . .  (And as a side note, I am assuming that there is no threat of death or dismemberment if I choose not to choose. Because sometimes choosing is not an option.)

I'm not attracted to either tennis player honestly, but if I had to choose (and apparently I do), I choose the less ill-tempered man and seemingly kinder person in Federer. Though who knows what he's like behind closed doors. McEnroe seems passionate but unpredictable and his hair is bothersome. And he made a name for himself not by being the best - though he was one of the best - but by yelling at the line judges and challenging their calls. I can feel my blood pressure rise (not in a good way) just thinking about all the yelling. Sometimes boring beats dramatic. So, Federer.

Not Blatter and not Sterling. Sorry. You can't make me choose. It has nothing to do with the fact that they are both old. There are some old dudes I'd shag (though their names are escaping me at the moment). I like that Blatter is a FIFA guy. I like football (soccer). I like Swiss men. He's been accused of corruption, but show me a leader of a highly-visible brand/company who has not. I'm more bothered by his comments about women's football and how they should wear skimpy outfits to get more people to watch. (Though it may be true, it's not cool to say.) On the other hand, Sterling is American. (Go USA!) and has lots of money and has been accused of being racist. Ouch! Not cool! Which is worse? Bedding a sexist old guy or a racist old guy? I vote we send them both far away.

Til is sexy. For sure. But somehow he doesn't do it for me. Clooney is arguably overrated, but I do adore his swagger, charm and silliness. And how he looks in a suit. So. Clooney.

You cannot make me choose between Clive and Jason. Maybe it's the British accent, maybe it's the smirk. Two of my biggest crushes for sure. Have you seen The Croupier? Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels?  Am I allowed a threesome? I'd be okay with that. Give me a minute with this dream. . .

Okay. I'm back.

ViggoViggoViggo. Hugh is awfully swell. And a very kind and generous star (ask anyone who had the pleasure to meet him at the Zurich Film Festival a few years ago). And I don't care about his sexual preference. Whatever it may be. Truthfully, that wouldn't keep me from wanting to have my way with someone (See Cary Grant). But there is no competition here. Viggo is my number one boyfriend and someday he will realize that we belong together and show up at my house with Peonies and freshly baked bread and we'll go sailing he'll read D.H. Lawrence to me and then he'll rip off his shirt and get into a fight. With another shirtless guy or several. On shore. Of course. (It's my dream - it doesn't have to make sense to you).

Cary Grant, though dead for some time now, is also high on my list (top of the list of doable dead guys). Charm, wit, humor, that voice. That hair. Sigh. They don't make 'em like they used to. Who was he opposite? I don't even remember anymore. Give me the former Archie Leach any day.

When I was younger, I would have said Redford without hesitation, but now, being older and wiser, I don't know that I could choose. I keep forgetting that Mr. Gorgeous Blue Eyes is no longer with us, which makes me sad. Because I wanted to meet him. And, well, Redford did kiss me on the cheek once. That was nice. Tie. But no threesome - that doesn't seem right.  They're Butch and Sundance, FFS!

Though I cannot deny the appeal of Don Draper, I'm a huge Roger Sterling fan from way back. So sexy. (What is it about cocky men in well-tailored suits?!?)

Before I answer the last one, I have to mention two men with whom I'd run away in a heartbeat (neither of whom would be accused of being a heartthrob): Louis C.K and John Cleese. From his A Fish Called Wanda days. Nothing beats an intelligent, funny man. Nothing.

Remember: Eye candy is just that. Boring. Replaceable. And overrated.

Hairy-chested, whisky-swilling Brit hands down. Please give him my number. Or better yet, tell him to get a room at the Widder and I'll meet him upstairs.

That was fun! I think I need a drink now. Or a nap. Maybe both.

As ever,

Xxx

The Baroness