Dear Baroness, I may lose an amazing woman because I'm hung up on a sociopath

Dear Baroness, 

I’ve really screwed up. I’ve probably just lost an amazing woman because of unfinished business with a woman who is far from amazing. I have not been able to give the amazing woman what she needs and deserves because I’ve been so distracted trying to figure out how I ever managed to fall for the other one – a completely unworthy, manipulative head case – and how to get over her. 

I was feeling needy and alone, being new in the country, and she took advantage of that and completely messed with my mind. We were only together for a very short amount of time, but she really got her hooks into me. And she says she doesn’t even want me. Never really did. I just can’t stop trying to figure her out. Why she sleeps around, why she plays head games, why she says she’s not interested in me and then pulls the string and I come running back to her. I don’t want to be with her, I want to try to make it work with this other woman, but I’m afraid I’ll loose the amazing one forever if I tell her everything I’m thinking. She knows I’m being distant and can’t fully commit but doesn’t know why. 

What should I do?

Signed, 

Fell For the Wrong One

Darling Fell, 

Well, you’ve really gotten yourself into a pickle here, haven’t you? On the one hand, I do believe honesty is the best policy, but it could very well be that this amazing woman will not be able understand why you would ever get yourself into this situation. Once you tell her, she won’t be able to unhear it, and there is a chance she’ll run away, either temporarily or forever. And it sounds like she already senses that something is off and has taken her leave, at least for now.

Do you want to be with this amazing woman? Ask yourself this honestly. If the answer is yes, you need to fight for her. We don’t do that enough. In this time of easy access to ‘new talent’ via Tinder and the like, we often choose the lazier path and keep moving on trying to find another ‘right’ person as opposed to staying with a worthy partner and giving it a real chance. 

Tell her how you feel about her. Tell her you have unfinished business with someone but make sure she knows it’s not a giant threat and that she is the woman you want, not the head case. Then follow up the words with actions. She still may run away, but as she already knows something is up, and beginning a new relationship based on half-truths or omissions is no way to go about things, sharing how you feel is the way to go. 

But remember, you DO NOT need to tell her all the gory details. Really. She does not want to hear them. You may need to speak to someone about all this to help clear your head, but trust me, darling. Unless you want to send her packing without even looking back, I suggest you find a therapist, buy a notebook or pull up a stool at your neighborhood watering hole and pour your heart out to your bartender, but whatever you do, no matter how close you feel to her, don’t tell her all the details. She is not your best friend or confidante, she is someone you are trying to date.

So get your head out of your ass, stop obsessing and over-analyzing the situation with this other woman, and move on. It may take time. These things usually do. If you start today, you may be ready for a relationship with the right woman in mere weeks.

Be strong. Take charge of the situation. If you let this amazing woman go because you couldn’t be a grown up and do the work needed to move on, then you don’t deserve her. 

As Ever,

xx
The Baroness