Dear Baroness, I'm worried that my girlfriend is addicted to her vibrator

Dear Baroness, 

I’m worried about my new girlfriend. I think she masturbates too much. I know that sounds a little controlling and maybe none of my business, but I worry that if she keeps doing it so much, especially with a vibrator, she’ll be less interested in me. Is that crazy? I’ve heard that using a vibrator can dull a woman’s sensations. Is it true?

Signed, 

Not Buzz Lightyear

Darling Buzz,

Well, where do I begin . . . ? First of all, can there really be a such a thing as masturbating too much? I think not. Not masturbating enough, now that’s a problem. And not masturbating at all … well, that’s something perhaps we’ll discuss another day.

There are theories about Dead Vagina Syndrome, but honestly, in my experience, it’s not really a thing. And for those women who say they have experienced it, it seems to be temporary and reversible and perhaps they need to downsize and stop using power tools for the job. Our love button is a delicate creature and though she can withstand a lot of ‘abuse’, surely she is not made to withstand the force from a pneumatic jackhammer. Ouch.

Many men seem to be threatened by vibrators because they worry they will be replaced by the power, precision and efficiency they can provide. When a girl only has five minutes to spare for a little fun, few things can compare to the quickie a little (or not so little) battery operated (or charged) friend can provide. BUT . . . and pay attention here . . .. THEY DO NOT REPLACE THE REAL THING. Please do not worry. While sometimes we prefer to just get off solo, we are human and we do crave affection and connection and intimacy (in theory), and so luckily we have you for that! 

Here’s another thing. There are things you can do that a vibrator cannot. I could go into details here but I think you likely get it. Your fingers, hands, tongue and other obvious and not so obvious parts do a far better and nuanced job at getting the job done. Trust me. 

If I found myself horny on a random Thursday afternoon (which happens) and could choose between calling you, getting up and showered and all that goes with that, putting on a little special something and then waiting patiently for you to arrive, or staying in bed, un-showered, rolling over, opening the nightstand drawer and pulling out out my Lelo Smart Wand and getting the job done in 5 minutes (more like 2), well then, I’d choose the later. A girl wants what she wants when she wants it and though the anticipation of waiting for you to arrive is sweet and can make for a delightful afternoon, sometimes you gotta just get stuff done. 

So when we need to just get off, we are eternally grateful to Dr. Granville, who invented the vibrator. We can have some fun, say goodbye and job well done. No small small talk, no cuddling, no managing emotions or feelings and we’re on our way. Got it? Good.

You should ask her to bring her favorite toy into bed with you next time … could be fun. Will be fun. Unless you are uptight and scared. Then, chances are it will be awful. Take a deep breath, shed your inhibitions and ask her to show you how it works. If you’re lucky, maybe she’ll even try it out on you. I’ve known more than a few men who appreciate a little vibration under the chassis. Perhaps you’d both enjoy a vibrating cock ring - some men find that less intimidating.

And that can be just the beginning. Don’t knock it ‘til you’ve tried it, darling. And you really should try it.

A woman who knows her own body is a good thing. And a woman who knows how to make herself come is a pretty great thing too. Would you really complain if, the next time she’s feeling sexy, she pulls out her friend who lives in the nightstand and leaves you a message while using it? I didn’t think so. 

And remember, confidence is the sexiest thing going. If she senses that you’re insecure and threatened, she may run in the other direction or run straight to the sex shop to reinforce her army of inanimate troops. And that doesn’t seem like what you want. 

If you’re calling her your girlfriend, chances are, she likes you. So start with that. Insecurity has killed more relationships than sex toys, I can assure you.

My advice is to show up with flowers, a pack batteries and a smile. I can’t think of any vibrator-loving woman who would not find that irresistible.

Best of luck, Buzz. 

As Ever,

xx
The Baroness