Dear Baroness, I have a question about safe sex . . .

Dear Baroness, 

I have a question about safe sex. It’s important to me to be responsible and I am. Almost always. But I find that many men want to jump right in to my lady bits without a care or condom. There isn’t even a conversation. I know it’s a sweeping statement but I also find that the younger men I go out with seem to be better about using condoms or bringing it up than the older ones. I’m interested to hear your thoughts on the matter and any advice you could give about how to handle this delicate subject.

Signed, 

No Glove No Love (mostly)

Darling (mostly),

Condoms . . . no one likes ‘em, but we gotta use ‘em. It’s a cold hard fact. Ha. Hard. I agree with your sweeping statement about older versus younger men and the comfort and usage of condoms and talking about them. Though I have examples of exceptions on either end too. (From friends, of course - the Baroness is celibate!) Why is this, you suppose? The younger ones are more open and liberated sexually? More cautious? It almost seems counter intuitive as the younger ones are the ones who grew up with internet porn and seeing no condoms, no hair and lots of money shots. Maybe it’s just a coincidence. I will look into it. 

It should be simple. Oh so simple. You’re rolling around on the dining table and it’s obvious to both parties there will be some in flagrante delicto-ing going down soon and this is what should happen:

IDEAL: No conversation. Man pulls out condom discreetly, puts it on and things continue rolling merrily along as they were. 

ALSO GOOD: A conversation. We are all supposedly adults and this should not be so tough. Granted, this is not a fun or always comfortable conversation but, like taxes and calling your deaf grandmother every Sunday, it must be done. We now live in an age where, at any time, 60% of the adult, sexually active population has HPV, so even if you have no symptoms, you may be a carrier and give it to your partner. So it’s not always about getting, it’s about giving too.

Sample acceptable conversation: 

He: Shall I fetch a rubber?

She: Duh.

End Scene.

Or

She: I’ve got a condom if you don’t.

He: Sweet! I hope it’s extra large.

She: Me too.

End scene. 

NOT GOOD: 

Chick: Do you have any protection?

Dude: Nope.

Chick: I do. I’ll be right back.

Dude: Don’t leave, baby. I’m clean. My little man hates to be all covered up.

(We hear the door closing behind Smart Chick who has left.)

If the man does not just put it on, then the woman needs to say any variation of “Hold on, cowboy. No glove, no love” or “I’m a safety girl!” A la Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. However you say it, you need to say it. And if the dude says, (These are real examples I’ve heard)  “I’m clean” or “I can tell you’re clean” or “You smell healthy” (yes, someone actually said this), or “I don’t have AIDS”. Then you should kick them out or leave immediately. This man is a jerk/loser/pathetic. 

And if neither of you bring it up, then chances are you will be thinking about it soon after the deed is done, if not during and then you will respect this person less and maybe even resent the fact that they did not bring it up. It’s hard to start a relationship this way. If that’s what you might be looking for. It’s always lurking there in the background. Something to think about . . .

But WAIT! There really should be no conversation. It should just happen. Really people. I’m serious. 

There is NOTHING SEXIER than a man who just puts it on. No question. No discussion. He is protecting himself, protecting you and respecting you as well. This does happen! There are men RIGHT HERE IN ZURICH who are skilled in this underreported technique. I’ve heard that even in Winterthur, there are those who engage in such chivalrous and awesome behavior. Rock on, responsible, respectful, hot men. Rock on.

If you have an IUD or are on birth control or have your tubes tied or whatever other reason you could not get pregnant, this is also NOT A REASON NOT TO PROTECT YOURSELF! Babies are one thing but gonorrhea, herpes, hpv, chlamydia, etc. . . ARE ANOTHER! Don’t make me post photos. That shit ain’t pretty, darlings.

So what is the answer here? MEN. Do yourself a favor. Don’t be silly, protect your willie! The women (and/or men) of the world will thank you and think you are so much hotter for it. Just do it. Put it on. If the relationship continues then you can have a talk and/or get tested.  It’s not necessarily forever. But until then, you will earn serious sexy points for stealthily donning a french letter. (I love this one.)

P.S. I’m well aware that this did not touch upon other important subjects such as oral sex and non-hetero sex, not to mention the different kinds of condoms, but these will have to wait for another day. I’m exhausted and the sun is shining. I’m off to Werdinsel, darlings.

As Ever, 

xxx

The Baroness