Join Zurich's Greatest Flat™ from February 15th and live with two lovely psychos right in the middle of Switzerland's most popular ghetto. 5.5 rooms of tremendous yuppie swag with creaking parquet and high ceilings bring all the champagne socialist hipster bitches to the yard. Not literally of course, cause our back yard is filled with junkies just like this whole fucking neighbourhood. There is also ample of hookers around who will catcall the shit out of you when you go grab a bite to eat or smoke some crack at 3am (didn't know either that it was possible to get food past 8pm in Switzerland before I moved here). That's only if you're a guy of course, so luckily it ain't sexism.
Amenities include a breakfast room, occasional use of the Führer balcony overlooking Langstrasse (basically like watching Jerry Springer live), an ice machine and no dishwasher or exhaust hood over the stove. We know that's sort of like carrying Louis Vuitton in economy class, but hey, people who always fly business class don't take pictures of themselves flying business class anyways. We also have a Nespresso machine because we really want to make a difference by supporting Nestle's clean water projects all over the world.
Apart from that, you will constantly be exposed to the latest conspiracy theories, opinions so unpopular they wouldn't even be invited to board game nights hosted by ETH students and humour that is illegal in nine countries.
Regarding the room for rent: It's depicted in pictures No. 3 & 4, fully furnished with a 160cm wide bed, nightstand, closet, desk and chair, 14m^2 in size (do the conversion to retard units yourself if you're an American) and costs 880 Schwiizer Franke per month. It also has a separate entrance which you can use to sneak in your ugly ass hookups that we might otherwise judge (you for). Or the not quite as ugly hookups for whom you just want to avoid our judgement on banging them all too "I love you, your hair is like an ocean" and not quite Rocco Siffredi or Bonnie Rotten enough.
When it comes to our future flatmate, we are looking for an open minded and respectful person. Swipe left if you're sexist, racist, ableist, classist, transphobic, pro life or anti-vax. Name your preferred pronouns in your application so we know how to refer to you. Just kidding, apply as long as you're not a peasant. Nobody gives a fuck about your (gender) identity. It is clearly implied that you should have a thicc skin. Send your application to [email protected], include some unpopular opinions of yours as well as your favourite dog breeds and tell us about a great/meaningful experience of yours that got stuck in your mind. We also require a picture of yourself with your application so we can see you're neither fat nor ugly. If you won't look anything like your picture you'll have to pay for drinks until you do. No ONS!
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1. Casa nostrana
Albisstrasse 25, 8038 Zürich
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